From the “You Must Be Joking” Department
March 8, 2008
Apparently, Britons are idiots and need to be protected from themselves.
People who have been injured while walking and texting on their cell phones may be in luck.
A London street is experimenting with padded lampposts to protect those not paying attention from banging into them, ITN reports.
Break
March 4, 2008
Tonight, our Family Home Evening lesson was about the Plan of Salvation. We were talking with the kids about where we came from, why we’re here and where we’re going. We talked about how we lived with Heavenly Father prior to our time on Earth, and how we’ll return to live with him if we are obedient. We asked the kids why Heavenly Father has us come to Earth to live out mortality. Betsy’s response was, “Because he needs a break from us?”
Little Justin
February 23, 2007
I received this email today:
“One day a fourth grade teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up, fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with one of customers and stay all night for money.” The teacher was obviously shaken by this statement, so she hurriedly set the other kids to work on some exercises. Then she took little Justin aside and asked him, “Is that really true about your father?” “No.”, Justin said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee helping Hillary Clinton run to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”
Visions of Beth
November 27, 2006
So, when I see commercials for Dog the Bounty Hunter, I always think of one of the funniest episodes of South Park. Season 10, episode 10 features Cartman as Dog the Bounty Hunting Hall Monitor. It’s hilarious. I love the way that they draw his wife/girlfriend/ho, Beth. I swear that every time I see Dog, I immediately imagine the phrase, “Where’s your hall pass, brah?”
Prejudice
September 15, 2006
I watched an episode of 20/20 tonight about stereotypes and racism. One of the clips they showed was of Dennis Miller saying, “Other than the bombs that are strapped to their chests, I have no idea what makes Palestinians tick.” I’ll admit it. I laughed, and I laughed out loud. Am I bad? Probably.
Me Brothers
September 14, 2006
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat soon after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’ me brothers and one for meself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two pints. All of the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Mormon Church and they don’t allow drinking so I had to quit.”
“Hasn’t affected me brothers though.”
Unix Fortunes
September 14, 2006
Here are some of the fortunes that I’ve seen when logging into various Unix or Linux servers:
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
- Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
- Stupid, noun: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
Lonely 911
July 14, 2006
This woman got her name in the news for trying to use 911 to get a date. How embarrassing.
Cheating
June 7, 2006
Here’s a great article by a University professor titled, “How to Cheat Good.”
I just submitted my last set of grades for the semester. This is always a big weight off my shoulders, but since it will be the last set of grades I ever submit at the University at Buffalo, it is an even greater relief. And so I think it’s time for me to “give back” as the kids say.
I had a 24 hour take home (distance course, so “keep home”?) final exam. Students had to submit it in text and most submitted it in Word. In the exam, I noted that “I expect everyone to behave honorably,” and noted that receiving assistance from others or plagiarizing work was a bad idea.
I would prefer that students don’t cheat. Yes, they really are mostly cheating themselves, so fine. But it also reflects poorly on the community. Rationally or not, what particularly irks me is that it is disrespectful: of me, of their fellow students, of the university, of the institution of learning, and of themselves. And, did I mention, of me? It is particularly irksome when their cheating implies (reminds?) that I am a fool.
So, to help students across the country cheat better, saving themselves both from easy detection and from incurring the wrath of insulted faculty, and leading to a much more harmonious school environment, I offer the following tips, based on recent experience:
Click here to get the tips.
Parade of the Cartoonists
February 23, 2006
A bunch of cartoonists fight back. Some of these are SOO well done.
